108

Initial Weight: 240.6
Current Weight: 217.0
Current BMI: 31.1
Weight Lost: 23.6 pounds

109

Initial Weight: 240.6
Current Weight: 217.8
Current BMI: 31.2
Weight Lost: 22.8 pounds

110

Initial Weight: 240.6
Current Weight: 218.8
Current BMI: 31.4
Weight Lost: 21.8 pounds

111

Initial Weight: 240.6
Current Weight: 220.2
Current BMI: 31.6
Weight Lost: 20.4 pounds

112

Initial Weight: 240.6
Current Weight: 221.0
Current BMI: 31.7
Weight Lost: 19.6 pounds

Physical Activity: 1.5 hour walk with Gypsy

113

Initial Weight: 240.6
Current Weight: 222.0
Current BMI: 31.9
Weight Lost: 18.6 pounds

Physical Activity: Curves Circuit Training, 2 hour walk with Gypsy

114

Initial Weight: 240.6
Current Weight: 223.4
Current BMI: 32.1
Weight Lost: 17.2 pounds

Physical Activity: 4.5 mile Power Walk (Indoors)

115

Initial Weight: 240.6
Current Weight: 225.2
Current BMI: 32.3
Weight Lost: 15.4 pounds

Physical Activity: Curves Circuit Training, 2.5 mile Power Walk (Indoors)

116

Initial Weight: 240.6
Current Weight: 225.2
Current BMI: 32.3
Weight Lost: 15.4 pounds

Physical Activity: 5 mile Power Walk (Indoors)

117

Initial Weight: 240.6
Current Weight: 225.4
Current BMI: 32.3
Weight Lost: 15.2 pounds

Physical Activity: 2.5 mile Power Walk (Indoors), 2 hour walk with Gypsy, Curves Circuit Training

118

Initial Weight: 240.6
Current Weight: 225.4
Current BMI: 32.3
Weight Lost: 15. 2 pounds

Yesterday was my stepmom's birthday. My sister-in-law cooked all kinds of delicious fried and breaded evilness and I just gave myself permission to enjoy. Spectacular!

Back to the grindstone today . . .

Physical Activity: 2.5 mile Power Walk (Indoors)

119

Initial Weight: 240.6
Current Weight: 223.8
Current BMI: 32.1
Weight Lost: 16.8 pounds

Physical Activity: 4.5 mile Power Walk (Indoors)

120

Initial Weight: 240.6
Current Weight: 224.4
Current BMI: 32.2
Weight Lost: 16.2 pounds

Physical Activity: 2 hour walk with Gypsy

All right, look.

We need to talk.

For the most part you, my readers, are invaluable assets in my quest to reach and maintain a healthy weight. You guys encourage me and help me stay on track.

If, however, you find that you cannot read this blog without 1) suggesting that I am "pathological," 2) offering that my only hope may be self-butchery via gastric bypass, or 3) jibing that I should just make it my goal to "weigh less than [T-Bone]," then guess what?

You are not helpful.

If you fall into this category, I offer you the following three options:

1. Stop reading.
2. Keep your pep talks to yourself.
3. Force me to close this blog and allow only invited readers to track my progress.

I do not apologize to anyone for my weight or my struggles with food - I am done with that.

As for the rest of you, please do continue to read. You truly are the wind in my sails.

121

Initial Weight: 240.6
Current Weight: 225.4
Current BMI: 32.3
Weight Lost: 15.2 pounds

Physical Activity: 5 mile Power Walk (Indoors)

122

Initial Weight: 240.6
Current Weight: 226.2
Current BMI: 32.5
Weight Lost: 14.4 pounds

To be honest, I'm a little concerned about the difference between today's weight and yesterday's. There can be quite a bit of fluctuation from day to day, but a pound seems like a lot when I consider what I ate, drank, and eliminated.

When I got home, T-Bone told me that he had lost his job. The news was really a blow. Fear curdled my stomach; I lost all appetite. So I'm thinking that the weight loss is at least partially lost muscle, which is not good. I will have to work harder on the weights today to help protect my muscle.

Physical Activity: Curves Circuit Training, 2.5 mile Power Walk (Indoors)

123

Initial Weight: 240.6
Current Weight: 227.2
Current BMI: 32.6
Weight Lost: 13.4 pounds

I like to feel.

My favorite feeling is yearning. Yearning is so often vilified. We call it anxiety. We try to medicate it away, talk it away, or deny it altogether. So rarely do we allow ourselves to tangle in its silken barbs.

Yearning is associated with loneliness. Yet loneliness is anguished, desolate. Yearning aspires to unite with its object, to be drawn more deeply into communion. We may see a snowfall, a windswept hill, the curve of a shoulder and instantly pulse with awareness that what we are witnessing is beautiful. We tremble, yet the trembling is pleasurable. We feel both buoyed and bereft.

Yearning, the metaphysical, is closely aligned with another feeling: physical hunger. In order to diet successfully, you have to make your peace with hunger. When we first begin to restrict calories, the body screams. The mind, shocked by the body’s outrage, scrambles to satisfy its demands. Before we know it, we have “cheated.” Dejected and ashamed, we abandon our aspirations to health and retreat down the heavily trodden path of indulging the body at the body’s expense.

I am hungry, yet I feel peaceful. Like a spectator I feel myself immersed in hunger without being compelled to eat. A fragile thing, this truce between flesh and spirit. At any moment the body may rear and reclaim its captaincy; the mind’s resolve may wither. But in this moment, I have chosen to feast on yearning, and as I peel back its outer skin, feel its grainy nourishment on my tongue, I revel in the droplets of desire that gather on my lips.

Bearded Lady

I cannot feel my face.

It is soooo cold out there. As I trotted behind Gypsy on our walk today, I found myself envying her furry face and wishing I had a little facial fuzz of my own.

I must have looked pretty silly walking along and smacking myself on the cheeks but it was the only way I could regain feeling.

Still, we had a good walk. Almost no squirrels out today so I was able to walk without having to stop every few yards to drag Gypsy away from trees, bushes, drainpipes, or bird feeders.

I think I'll go make some tea.

124

Initial Weight: 240.6
Current Weight: 228.8
Current BMI: 32.8
Weight Lost: 11.8 pounds

Physical Activity: Curves Circuit Training, 1 hr. walk with Gypsy

Okay, let's get mushy . . .

College was a miserable experience for me. I felt entirely unnecessary and unfulfilled in the last few years especially. If I had pursued some wildly different experience: studied in Spain or joined Americorps or explored some other mode of servitude, I may have found the significance I seemed to have lost. But I sank deeper and deeper into depression, a petrifying depression that ground any budding ambitions to a complete halt.

As a result, I gained 90 pounds over the course of my college career. When I first crossed my school's threshold as an eager and curious "freshwoman," I was a size 8/10. By the end of my senior year, I was 240 pounds.

I am pondering that today because 240 is the most I have ever weighed, and I have now visited that weight twice. The first time I felt dismally ugly and repulsive. I felt like the fattest person alive and I was revolted by my body.

I could not feel more different today. I know I am fat, I know that I could accomplish more and feel more comfortable in my body if I was carrying less fat and more muscle, and I actually enjoy exercising. However, when I really look at my body, I sort of love my abundance. I feel like a cornucopia of good things. I know in my head that the ripples and bulges and the extra sway in my hips are supposed to be unlovely, but when I really look, I feel comforting and glorious and, well, womanly.

I suppose T-Bone is to thank for that. He really appreciates my body at whatever size and in whatever condition he happens to find it.

We are told that we are supposed to love ourselves regardless of what the culture tells us but let's face it, that is only intermittently possible at best. Some days you wake up and you can ignore the clamor, other days you have to dress yourself in clothes that are only okay; you squeeze uncomfortably into a seat, bathroom stall, hospital gown designed for "normal-sized" people; you see a glamorous screen siren and think you could look like that if you weren't so fat; or you try some physical exertion that "shouldn't" be difficult and you end up sweaty, panting and ashamed. Playing the cheerleader to your bludgeoned self-image then isn't so easy.

So to find someone like T-Bone, to make him my only culture, my own stagehand, photographer, and audience, is both a blessing and a relief. And although I am looking forward to some serious shopping once I get down into some smaller sizes, I know that no matter what size I happen to be, he will always love me for the person that I am and for the man he sees reflected in my eyes, because I know his true worth and I find him unsurpassable.

125

Initial Weight: 240.6
Current Weight: 229.4
Current BMI: 32.9
Weight Lost: 11.2 pounds

Today was the first day that I felt like I looked smaller. I also adjusted my black dress pants so that they fit my waist, instead of gaping and puddling around my hips. This is fun!

126

Initial Weight: 240.6
Current Weight: 229.4
Current BMI: 32.9
Weight Lost: 11.2 pounds

Wow! I cracked my first ten pounds!

Physical Activity: 2 hr. 45 min. walk with Gypsy

Gypsy and I discovered a new walking path today. We were walking along our usual route when an old grizzled man appeared in front of us. He had a long snarled white beard and leathery skin. He wore a red and black checked flannel lumberjack's shirt and he carried a walking stick rubbed smooth with use. His step was determined; as he walked, he bent his head and leaned into his gait, as if he was fighting a searing wind. He bustled past me. I said hello but he did not respond. As he passed, I wondered where he was going. He seemed better dressed for hiking than a suburban Sunday stroll.

I looked over my shoulder to see where he was headed. He had disappeared, but I noticed that the street I had just turned onto continued to a dead end, followed by trees extending deep back into the grass. I peered into the trees, trying to determine if they were just a screen between houses, but I couldn't see any buildings through their branches.

Puzzling for a minute over whether I had time for a detour, I shrugged and decided, What the heck! Gypsy and I turned around and followed the road to where it ended. I scrambled up a hillock and could see a walking path way back in the trees. Gypsy and I picked our way through the mud and finally found ourselves on the path. We set off into the woods and thoroughly enjoyed ourselves. We'll definitely have to try that route again!

127

Initial Weight: 240.6
Current Weight: 231.8
Current BMI: 33.3
Weight Lost 8.8 pounds

Physical Activity: Curves Circuit Training, 1 hr. 30 min. walk with Gypsy

128

Initial Weight: 240.6
Current Weight: 232.2
Current BMI: 33.3
Weight Lost: 8.4 pounds

I totally spaced this morning and drank a huge glass of water half an hour before I weighed in. Oops! I also ate an additional cup of soup last night - 240 calories - because I was starving. I knew I'd be awake for another four hours or so and I thought it was better for me to eat something than to kill my metabolism with beginner's zeal.

I did the chest, shoulders, and back portions of my upper body workout this morning and I'll do the biceps and triceps when I get home this evening. My new weights are great!

Physical Activity: Upper Body Strength Training

129

Initial Weight: 240.6
Current Weight: 232.4
Current BMI: 33.3
Weight Lost: 8.2 pounds

I did finally get in my lower body workout yesterday. Not sure how strenuous it was - I probably won't feel the results until tomorrow. My arms definitely responded to Monday's workout; my triceps especially are screaming today. I got some (free! I love craigslist!) 8 and 10 pound weights - they even have the neoprene padding that I like - so I incorporated those into yesterday's workout.

Still struggling with throat chunk and stuffy nose. The infection is over but it will take a couple days for the immune response to die down. At least I feel good inside - no more fever or lethargy.

I'm going to Curves after work today, and then Gypsy and I will be pounding the pavement.

Physical Activity: Curves Circuit Training, 1 hour walk with Gypsy

130

Initial Weight: 240.6
Current Weight: 233.4
Current BMI: 33.5
Weight Lost: 7.2 pounds

Okay, I'm coming into my second week. I'm a little nervous. As Jillian said on last night's weekly dose of inspiration, i.e. The Biggest Loser, "The second week is notoriously rough." The water weight is pretty much gone at this point (although probably not totally gone until the third week) so now it's all me.

I tried to do my lower body weight training this morning but I don't really like the exercises I have. I have a really kick-ass (pun intended) routine on DVD so I tried to watch that, but my DVD player's remote doesn't work and the DVD is programmed so that you can't play the workout without the remote.

I then tried to play it on my laptop, but even after I reinstalled Windows Media Player last weekend, the thing only plays the sound, no picture. So I tried to do it off the soundtrack and my memory of the motions, but I can't remember well enough. I'll have to pick up one of those universal remotes - do those things really work? - and see if I can program it. I don't know what to do about the laptop.

Anway, so I still have to get in a lower body workout somehow today. Guess I'll be working from a book after all.

Physical Activity: Lower Body Strength Training

131

Initial Weight: 240.6
Current Weight: 234.2
Current BMI: 33.6
Weight Lost: 6.4 pounds

Physical Activity: Curves Circuit Training, 1 hour walk with Gypsy

132

Initial Weight: 240.6
Current Weight: 235.0
Current BMI: 33.7
Weight Lost: 5.6 pounds

Upper Body Strength Training

Chest
Dumbbell Bench Press: 12 Reps, 2 lbs.
Dumbbell Bench Press: 10 Reps, 4 lbs.
Dumbbell Bench Press: 8 Reps, 6 lbs.
Dumbbell Bench Press: 6 Reps, 6 lbs.
Dumbbell Bench Press: 12 Reps, 6 lbs.
Dumbbell Flyes: 12 Reps, 6 lbs.

Shoulders
Seated Dumbbell Press: 12 Reps, 2 lbs.
Seated Dumbbell Press: 10 Reps, 4 lbs.
Seated Dumbbell Press: 8 Reps, 6 lbs.
Seated Dumbbell Press: 6 Reps, 6 lbs.
Seated Dumbbell Press: 12 Reps, 6 lbs.
Side Raises: 12 Reps, 6 lbs.

Back
Dumbbell Rows: 12 Reps, 4 lbs.
Dumbbell Rows: 10 Reps, 6 lbs.
Dumbbell Rows: 8 Reps, 8 lbs.
Dumbbell Rows: 6 Reps, 8 lbs.
Dumbbell Rows: 12 Reps, 6 lbs.
Dumbbell Pullovers: 12 Reps, 6 lbs.
Dumbbell Pullovers: 10 Reps, 6 lbs.
Dumbbell Pullovers: 8 Reps, 6 lbs.
Dumbbell Pullovers: 6 Reps, 6 lbs.
Dumbbell Pullovers: 12 Reps, 6 lbs.

Triceps
Seated Dumbbell Extensions: 12 Reps, 4 lbs.
Seated Dumbbell Extensions: 10 Reps, 6 lbs.
Seated Dumbbell Extensions: 8 Reps, 4 lbs.
Seated Dumbbell Extensions: 6 Reps, 6 lbs.
Seated Dumbbell Extensions: 12 Reps, 6 lbs.
Lying Triceps Extensions: 12 Reps, 6 lbs.

Biceps
Seated Dumbbell Curls: 12 Reps, 6 lbs.
Seated Dumbbell Curls: 10 Reps, 6 lbs.
Seated Dumbbell Curls: 8 Reps, 6 lbs.
Seated Dumbbell Curls: 6 Reps, 6 lbs.
Seated Dumbbell Curls: 12 Reps, 6 lbs.
Hammer Curls: 12 Reps, 6 lbs.

I definitely need some dumbbells that weigh more than 6 lbs. Currently I have two 2lb. weights, two 4lbs, and two 6 lbs. I need an 8 lb. set, a 10 lb. set, and a 15 lb. set.

This workout took waaaay too long - around an hour and fifteen minutes - as I was trying to get the form and timing of each exercise right. Try to go faster next time.

Still feeling like crap. Today both my boss and I were hacking, wheezing, sniffling and sneezing all day. Quite a pair. But I'm glad I got a workout in - at least I stopped coughing while I was concentrating on getting the motion right.

133

Initial Weight: 240.6
Current Weight: 236.6
Current BMI: 33.9
Weight Lost: 4.0 pounds

I went for a two-hour walk today - probably not wise considering the illness factor, but I just didn't feel like turning around at the point where I usually turn back, and then I got lost and kept moving forward hoping that I'd stumble across a road I recognized. Which I did, eventually. Sometimes it's nice to be lost.

Gypsy had a great time - she gets really bored locked up in the house all the time. Usually right now she would be harassing me, batting me with her paw or noodling me with her nose. Instead she is curled up asleep under the couch. Ah, blessed peace!

My Favorite Shoes

I love my shoes!

I wear Asics GelNimbus - men's of course, as my feet are more bullfrog than gilded lily.

But these shoes are AMAZING! They fit my feet perfectly - no blister-inducing rubbing or bulky stitching digging into my toes or heels, no cutaway cut a little too high and biting into my ankles. And the cushioning is like running on ecstasy - soooo comfy and cushiony, yet still supportive.

These are by far the best athletic shoes I have ever owned.

134

Initial Weight: 240.6
Current Weight: 237.4
Current BMI: 34.1
Weight Lost: 3.2 pounds

I'm feeling fluey today: sore throat, chunky phlegm, just wanting to crawl under the covers and sleep. I'm hot but I can't get warm.

I went to Curves this morning - I wasn't feeling that bad then, just a sore throat - but started feeling really bleah when I got home. Good thing the house is pretty much emptied of temptations, because otherwise I would probably have eaten some yucky stuff.

Dr. Oz is on the TV. He says that a woman's waist should be no more than 32". I don't have any idea what my waist measurement is - I'll do my measurements tomorrow and then measure every Sunday after that - but it's probably over 40". Well, at least now I have a goal. I hate being sick because it really screws up my workout schedule. Sickness just magnifies that question - how much is too much? Well, tomorrow is a day off from exercise anyway, so maybe that will be enough to get me over the hump and on to wellness.

One final note: I am sitting on the couch as I type this. Because I am freezing, I am wearing three shirts and three pairs of pants. Or at least I was. Because of my "chub," the blob of fat that hangs off my belly, I can't fold my body up into a comfortable position in my three pairs of pants. Even now, when I have removed my jeans and just have two pairs of loose-fitting pajamas on, I have crossed my legs and the flesh across my thighs is stretched so tight that there are ripples, like a piece of silk stretched too far, and it feels like the blubber may burst through my overstretched flesh.

I am accustomed to this sensation - usually I don't even notice it, or only in passing and then ignore the sensations - but meditating upon how I am living in, or imprisoned in, my body makes me all the more determined to change, to free myself and accomplish all of the physical, relational, and creative goals that my current physical condition prohibits.

135

135 days till the brunch. Visions of party dresses dance in my head . . .

Initial Weight: 240.6
Current Weight: 239.2
Current BMI: 34.3
Weight Lost: 1.4 pounds

Yeah, that's the right direction! The gym is good. The gym is my friend. I am one with the gym.

What I Will Do When I Am Skinny

1. Dance salsa.
2. Go for hikes.
3. Zip my boots all the way up my calves.
4. Ride horses.
5. Go shopping!
6. Sit down in chairs without feeling my butt cheeks ooze around the arms.
7. Climb stairs.
8. Go figure skating. (The boots bite into my fat calves now. If I try to skate, I end up looking like I've been chained in a basement for twelve years.)
9. Buy jackets that fit my arms.
10. Learn a martial art.
11. Wear skirts. Lots and lots of skirts. With no "firming undergarment" beneath them.
12. Swim with dolphins.
13. Learn to Rollerblade. (Noticing a certain "Sports That Involve Boots" theme?)
14. Meditate. (It just works better when your body is clear.)
15. Give better massages.

136

Okay, a little slip-up yesterday. I had bought an Italian Panino from the Super Giant on New Year's Day, and yesterday I couldn't resist eating it. I was just cleaning house!

No exercise yesterday either. What a loser! er, gainer?

Initial Weight: 240.6
Current Weight: 241.8
Current BMI: 34.7
Weight Lost: umm, -1.2 Yikes! Point that fatty to the gym!

137

All right, folks, let's get real. Let's lose this weight!

I have 137 days until my mom's brunch in honor of Tabe's and my wedding. I want to be foxy!

Current weight: 240.6
Current BMI: 34.6
Goal Weight: 140.6
Goal BMI: 20

Whew, a hundred pounds! Well, let's get started . . .